i gave up but decided to give it another go

So now for my second blog. i guess this one is going to be a bit more personal.

When i was a lot younger it was always perfect family me mum dad and sister and i liked it we went away and got on. Then for reasons i do not really understand to this day my mum and dad split up and went their separate ways. I guess this is not as uncommon these days as it used to be and might not seem ordinary. However unlike most children affected by divorce my dad gave up on me.  I ha vent seem him for over 10 + years not even a Christmas card or birthday card. its confusing and hard to explain how i feel about this but I'm going to give it a go.

I think when he first left i was too young to realise what an effect it would have on me. when it first happened he became like the usual weekend dad coming up taking me out then binging me back which was nice as your parents both tried to make you happy. And then it happened. one weekend packed up ready to go out with him. he didn't turn up at the time. i thought maybe he was a bit late. as the hours passed away i realised he wasn't coming and that was it
no more male influence in my life. no father figure to grow up. It hurt so much that day. i really felt down but as a youngster i didn't realise the huge effect it would have as i grew up. I later found out the reason he stopped was so he didn't have to pay child support. it is painful to realise that you could give up on your own flesh and blood because of money.

it is weird now because he doesn't live miles away from him. i mean i could pass him in the street now and would not recognize him. i feel that it has affected me in life. it was difficult being brought up mainly by females although my mum did a great job and i love her muchly. no one to take me to the football and things that you do with your dad first shave etc. i think later in life i realised that it had affected me especially my confidence. i feel extremely bitter about it. and i feel jealous when i hear my Friends are doing things with their dads and generally having fun. i realise now its not my fault that it happened and it is him who is going to be regretting it. but the bitterness in my heart is always going to be there and sometimes i sit back and think as i think it has made me a stronger person. i know if i ever have children i am going to be there as much as i can and never let them down.

so there my depressing blog but somehow it feels good to have wrote it. peace out